I’m by myself at a hotel in San Diego that overlooks the bay. I’m here for the next three nights and days to get a feel for downtown and decide where I want to live. Everything is happening so fast. I don’t really know what I want except that I don’t want to live in Los Angeles anymore. There’s really no place for me to live there, anyway. There are too many memories we shared in too many places and cities throughout the county. You are staying, I am leaving.
It doesn’t even seem real. Me ordering room service by myself in an unfamiliar city without you. Me laying in this big, comfortable hotel bed without you by my side. Me exploring the city by myself, talking to strangers, asking for a table for one. Sometimes I find that I want to call you and say that I miss you and that I will be home soon…but it’s not really true.
On the days I do go to our house, it’s when you are at work so I don’t have to see you and you don’t have to see me. I pack and cry, pack and cry while I divide our CD’s, DVD’s, dishes and all the rest while I try not to worry about tomorrow.
But I am here now. This is what I have decided. My family is here, old friends from high school, and new friends waiting to be found. Yesterday is over and closing in on me like someone is putting saran wrap over my nose and mouth.
So I am still in this hotel room that overlooks the bay and I am still wondering when this will all be over.
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I am so tired. I can’t sleep, can’t relax, forget to take my vitamins, forget to eat fruit, forget to take care of myself.
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I know the pain hasn’t left me yet, it’s just hiding out somewhere, playing a game of hide-and-seek with me.