This is a speech that I wrote for a sibling that I wanted to share…

Gandhi said, “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from indomitable will.”

Indomitable will. That is what it takes for me to take a step forward, to show up, to examine myself and my life for perhaps the first time…every day.

These words are not just for me, they are for all of us. They are to remind us that life is not an easy road; it isn’t fair, and doesn’t always go our way – but it is not our trials that define us, it is how we stand against them.

Today is here now to embrace and to foster.  And as there is no guarantee that tomorrow will come, or that we will know what tomorrow brings, all we can do is walk through this day, seize each and every moment that life has to offer and what we have to offer life.

Though this journey may seem long and as we may fall upon the road and skin our knees along the way, we must keep our sights on the brightness that is faith, hope, and love.

To all, I hope you have found your road, and that you are excited for the rest of your journey.  And as you travel down your road, remember that you will encounter some bumps, and when you do, just stand up, dust yourself off, and keep walking.  When arms and opportunities slowly begin to open along the way, be patient for the width you are waiting for.

So, as we walk towards a life that only we have the power to create for ourselves, our children, our families, and our communities, just remember our indomitable will that has gotten us this far.

In conclusion, I leave us all with a quote from Dr. Seuss: “Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!”

 

Life is a tapestry that unfolds its mystery each and every day of our lives.

Fire is life. Heating, burning, feeding. Without a flame there is no fire – without fire there is no life.

I’ve been thinking about this in regard to my relationships…

Without oxygen there is no fire.

When we suck out the oxygen in our relationships, there is no fire and the flame dies.

But I ask: who snuffed it out first?

Perhaps it was neither of us – possibly a lack of words and/or actions. Or maybe it was when we turned our backs on each other after making love. Obviously, we both broke it.

The oxygen fuels the fire as it does love.  Without either there is nothing left but a pile of grey ashes that disappear once they’re touched.

Once upon a time there was a time when I wasn’t able to see anyone beyond their faults.

Then one day, I sat within my own shadow – stared myself down – and begged myself to let it all go.

I breathed in – I breathed out.

I closed my eyes and imagined myself laying without a raft and drifting on the water toward the end of a cliff.

I felt safe…I was at peace.

This is me, now nearly 40. I look at and feel my naked body in the shower. These feet – the travels they’ve journeyed; these hands – the things and people they have touched; this skin – the beatings it has taken…

All of this and so much more makes me who I am whether I like it or not. I see me now. I am no longer young but not yet old. It’s just me…now.

Although my body and my mind may not be where I once planned, I am still here…I am here.  I still have a chance.  All day, all night, every day, and every night there is still time for me – there is still time to settle the score.  I am alive and still on this earth for reasons I am unaware of but present to.  I may be unfulfilled at this moment, but I know there is still time reach my fulfillment – to try harder, to dry any wasted tears.

And within these days of growing into myself, I have realized that looking back can be too painful, and looking forward can be too overwhelming.  Yet with that, I have decided to stay present – in the moment – to recognize my joys, my pain…my self.

There are things in life that we put on the back burner.  Then there are things in life we place on the front burner.  Examples of these are: waking up in the morning, making coffee, taking a shower, fucking , not fucking, loving yourself or not…

Then there is one moment in time where our choices are changed – what was no longer matters, and what we thought now only exists in the past.

Our future suddenly changes and out past doesn’t matter – all because of one choice.

We all have a something to say, and these words are my something. Please don’t read this to your daughters as it will shatter their images of a handsome Prince that saves them; I beg you to keep their innocence – at least until they have their first heartbreak.

One year ago my boyfriend and I of nearly nine years broke up. But this is not what this is about. This is about the aftermath, the earthquake that shattered my reality and made me cringe (in the corner with a bottle of melon-flavored vodka).

I’m now thirty-nine years old. All that I thought I wanted – marriage and babies – has completely been altered by realizations that have come over me even unbeknownst to myself. They have come in the middle of the night, during the day at inopportune times, and sometimes not even being consciously present when they happen. These realizations slip into me just as I brush my teeth or make coffee in the morning….automatically, without a thought. I mostly don’t even know what these realizations are other than the fact that I don’t give them as much weight as before. They no longer mesmerize me, depress me, or consume me the way they used to. My consummations are now of survival. My mind, spirit, and body are on a not-so-quiet, strict diet of “what the fuck?”.

Since I’ve been living on my own in a new city I’ve felt certain aspects of myself fade away, and others come back – a force to be reckoned with or taken advantage of (it’s a constant state of confusion to myself and others). I certainly don’t believe myself some of the time and never believe others the rest of the time. My new existence has become about the truth behind my own mask – or to say, seeing myself for the first time.

Getting back to the marriage and baby stuff – although I would like to create a life with someone, I’m not as concerned about the “when it happens” part. I do ask myself, though: If he doesn’t come along, will I be happy and fulfilled just the same? I can answer that with a probable “yes”, and to clarify that I don’t mean it in a negative, down-with-love kinda way, but in a more realistic, this is where I’m at, kinda way. If there’s anything I’ve learned about love, it’s that it’s never enough. I know it’s the work that makes it last after the “honeymoon phase” is over, yet there seems to be those that don’t want to stick around much longer after that. For now, that’s okay. I have the unconditional love of family that includes parents, siblings, nieces, and a nephew that have filled that gaping hole. To add to that, I’m working on myself, preparing for when that person does come along at the right time. I’m not, after all, completely jaded to think it won’t happen – it’s just that I don’t believe that I should get myself all worked up over someone who doesn’t want to do the work right along with me.

Then there’s this: Love for Self and all the responsibility that goes with that. Let’s face it, when I love myself, I can no longer put up with anything less than what I deserve. So with that, there may be many lonely nights while snuggling my pillow (but at least I have my bed to myself!), and shopping for one at the grocery store but still over-cooking and having a freezer chalk-full of left-over’s that I’ve forgotten about and are also freezer-burned. But after all that, there’s the peace of what I’ve gained by loving myself and knowing that I’m worth more than a one-night-stand or someone talking shit to me just because they think they can.

So in these days of self-perseverance and self-love, I’ve determined that all will be well that ends well and it’s up to me whom I decide to include into the jigsaw puzzle that is my life. I have myself, my beer, my flavored vodka, my books, my piano, my family, friends, and my neighbors dogs. What else can a girl ask for?

As I lay here, surrounded by you –

            it’s strange that I would be

                        so weak in this moment –

                                    so unguarded.

Strange that I was in flight

            at all the wrong times

                        and not even fighting it.

In this moment I am wondering –

            and not without effort,

                        what’s there in my head.

So maybe I was a little weak

            and couldn’t imagine

                        this moment leaving me –

But I am not denying,

            nor am I fighting –

                        what I know to be the truth,

                                    that I am not a part of you.

Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely….

My depression feeds your anger; your anger feeds my depression.

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